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Parson JiJftftsOn's Lecture 



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I. 



PARSON JOHNSON'S LECTURE 



Parson Johnson gave a lecture 

On a Sunday afternoon 
In the church around the corner 

On the third Sunday in June. 
Says he, ''I am gwine fo ter tell yer 

Dar am lots ob trouble gwine on 
An if yer people don stop it, 
Yer gwine hyar fum me shos yer bon, 



"Ez I was gwine past brudder Jones 

I axxidently dropped in 
An when I went into his cabin, 

Dar I foun him drinking gin. 
De man dat calls hisself er deacon, 

Drinkin gin, why de idea,— 
I fink dat man should be arrested 

An git six months twice a 5^ear. 



"Den I called on Brudder Williams, 

Dat ole man, he beate de dickens; 
I seed a leeceman chasing him 

Wid er great big bag ob chickens. 
Now look hyar, brudder, let me tel yer 

Ez sho ez ten and ten am twenty 
Ef I eber cotch yer doing dat ergin 

What I'll do fo yer will be er plenty. 



2. 



"Den I saw some ob de young brudders, 

All nice lookiu young chaps, 
Dey were huddled in er corner 

An engaged in shooting craps; 
Den I heard some body holler, 

'Come on seben, come on leben,' 
Now look hyar brudders, let me tellyer, 

Dats no way to git to hebbin. 

"Las Sunday eben at de meetin 

De leckshun basket were passed round 
En we counted out de money, 

A leeceman's button in dar were found : 
Now I know who had dat button, 

Twan no one but Brudder White, 
Kase las week he was arrested 

Fur being disorderl}^ and had to fight. 

"Now look hyar Brudder, let me tell yer, 

I am sprised at yer, deed I am, 
Coming to Church ebery Sunday 

Singing, 'hallejeuh to de lam ;' 
Now aint yer a nice class leader 

Bringing sinners to de cross, 
Ef dey would foller yo example, 

Dere feet would slip an soul git loss." 

Suddenly, the parson shouted, 

"Cum wake up dar sister Susan, 
Ebery time yer cum to church 

You am always snoring en er snoozin, 
Dis yer am a place ob worship. 

An am not er place fo sleep : 
Does yer fink dat I am a sheperd, 

Watching ober a flock ob sheep ? 



3- 



"Well, ef yer does, yer am mistooken 

Kase I got odder fings ter do 
Besides standing in dis pulpit 

Wakin up ole sheep like you. 
I am gwine tell yer whuts my mission, 

I am sabin sinners fo de lawd; 
En when I die, am gwine to hebbin 

Den I'll git a big reward." 



ELZIA'S BEAU 



Now look her Lize, what was de matter 

Wid you an your beau las night, 
De way dat you an him carried on 

I thought you both would have a fight. 
When yer daddy an I was coatin, 

We was same as hand in glove 
Bekase we agreed wid each odder, 

An dats what I call ole time love. 

Well he nebber brings me candy 

Like de odder fellows does 
To their sweethearts, so I tole him 

He is the cheapest man dat ever was. 
An he has not eben axed me 

To go out fo a buggy ride 
An he aint eben got de manhood 

To ax me to be his bride. 



But perhaps he is not ready 

To take you fo better or fo wuss, 
So dats no signification 

Dat you and him should always fuss. 
Maybe he is sabin up his money 

Fo to take kyar of you; 
I fink dats a sensible idea 

Which am de right fing to do. 

Well he had better hurry up 

An git a move on hisself 
Kase some one else might pop de question 

Den I know he will git lef. 
Ise dun got my wedding clothes 

All ready fo the affair, 
Bekase I want to show dem folks 

De kind of clothes I am gwine to wear. 

When yo daddy an I got married 

I had on a caliker dress, 
He had on a hickery shirt. 

White duck suit and linen vest. 
But you must hab silks an satins, 

Wid yer low necks an shorts sleeves 
An a great long trail bebine yer 

Like a broom sweeping up leaves. 

Well yer see dem times are different 

Fum these times we have today, 
Spose we was to do dat now 

What would de young people say? 
Dey would call us ole-time people 

An would say, we are not in it; 
So yer know dat would be too much. 

An I would't Stan fo it a minute. 



5. 

Wei] yer might tawk bout foggyism 

But it was de bes arter all, 
We didu't git mad at each odder 

Kase we couldn't go to de ball. 
Whats de use ob being all dressed up 

When yer husband fum his work come 
Ef dars no meat in de smoke house 

An no meal in de gum ? 

I'll see dat I am provided 

Wid something in de house to eat, 
Kase ef he don't, I'll jest tell him 

Pat he will hab to retreat. 
He will nebber loaf around me, 

Not ef I keep my right senses, 
An ef he don't take care of me, 

He will know de consequences. 



WIVES. 

A barber should have this kind of wife 

That every one should praise her, 
And if they don't, it is his fault 

Because he knows how to raise her. 
A shoemaker should have a wife 

That should not be downcast, 
By treating him as a good wife should, 

He would be faithful to the last. 
A musician should have a wife 

Who believes in women's votes, 
If she should want some spending change 

He could give her a few notes. 



6, 



A baker should have this kind of wife 
That should always keep hira wise. 

If he should lie in the bed late, 
She could help him to rise. 

A poet should have this kind of wife 

That is loving and kind, 
If she should ever feel indisposed, 

He could compose her mind. 

A jeweler should have a wife 
To make him toe the notch, 

If he neglected his business. 

She could keep him on his watch. 

A paperhanger should have a wife 
To keep things in good order, 

If she should invite some one to dine, 
He could bring her home a boarder. 

A base ball player should have a wife 

That doesn't like to growl, 
If she should want some chicken, 

He could bring her home a fowl. 

An undertaker should have a wife 
That he should not see too often, 

If she was suffering with a cold, 

He would always keep her coughing. 

A fish dealer should have a wife 

No matter what prevails, 
If she wanted to learn music, 

He could teach her to run scales. 



7' 
THE OYSTER ROAST 



Well didn't we have a scumptious time ? 

Bet yer life we did, 
Everybody that attended 

From the old folks to a kid. 
We had some nice eatables 

And jest as warm as toast, 
But the main thing there that evening 

Was that old-time Oyster Roast. 



**Are you going?" says I to Lucy, 

"To that grand affair tonight. 
Where everything will be exquisite 

And our hearts filled with delight. ?" 
"Am Igwine," says she, "now look hyar 

I wouldn't let de police foce 
Keep me fum attending dat 

Ole-time- Virginia Oyster Roast." 

"Well John, I suppose you'll be there 

With your sweetheart by your side." 
So he looked at me surprisedly 

For a moment, then replied, 
"What made yer ax me such a question ? 

I wouldn't even let Hamlet's ghost 
Stop me fum being present 

At dat ole-time Oyster Roast." 



8. 



"Now Lticinda, how about you, 

Will 5^ou be present also, 
Where there will a grand gathering 

And accompanied b}' your beau?" 
"Will I be dar ? Now, jest watch me, 

Kase I am invited by de host, 
So yer can bet 5-er bottom dollar 

I'll be at dat Oyster Roast." 

"Well, Bill, I suppose you are preparing 

For a grand time to spend, 
Have 3^ou sent an invitation 

To your young lady friend ?" 
"Now Ise gwine to answer 3^er. 

Hab I sent one ? Why ob cose. 
An ef I don't be present, 

Dar wont be no 03^ster Roast, ' ' 

So to our homes we departed, 

After spending a glorious time, 
It didn't cost us not one penu}^ 

Not as much as a dime; 
We ate and ate till we got tired 

And I don't know who ate de most 
But I filled my bread basket 

At that old time Ovster Roast. 



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•9^ 
HOW I WAS CONVINCED 



I never believed in'superstition 

Until I got convinced, 
Because I was frightened most to death. 

And Ise believed it ever since. 
I never thought a cat had nine lives 

And all that sort of stuJBf, 
And thirteen being an unlucky number. 

Says I, "That's all a bluff." 



So I will tell you how it happened,, 

It was this way you see, 
We were sitting around gossiping 

When some one said to me, 
"'Do you believe in the dead coming back?' 

Says I, "Certainly not ; 
Because I'll tell you my opinion, 

It is nothing but rot." 



"Well," says he, "I know a man, 

And a haunted house he own, 
He will give you a hundred dollars 

If you will stay there all night alone. 
Says I, "Certainly I will. 

Because that is easy money made, 
I'll go there and stay all the time 

And never be afraid, ' ' 



lO. 



So he taken me to this man 

And told him all about me, 
Being so fearless and brave, 

So of course he did not doubt me. 
"Well," says the man, "go ahead 

And see what you can do ; 
And if you stay there all night, 

Why this money belongs to you." 

So I weut the following night 

With this money on my mind, 
Because I considered this you see, 

A very lucky find. 
So then I went to bed 

Between twelve and one o'clock, 
And fallen off into sleep, 

And on the door there came a knock, 

"Who is there and what 5^ou wan-t ?" 

But not a word it said ; 
Then I begin to get nervous 

And sat right up in bed : 
Something advanced towards me 

All attired in white 
And made some funny movements 

That gave me a terrible fright. 

Was I frightened ? You bet I was, 

I had the St. Vitus dance. 
It scared me so until I could not 

Even put on my pants. 
So when I looked around again 

That ghost, you see, had vanished ; 
It scared me so until I really 

Believe I danced in Spanish. 



II. 



So when I went to get the money 

They had me for a laughing stock, 
Everybody would say to me, 

"Chase yourself around the block." 
They guyed me from morn until night, 

Which made me feel so bad 
Until I thought they would not stop, 

And nearly drove me mad. 



HOG KILLING TIME. 



Heb yer eber been in de country 

Hog killing time ? 
It's better dan Humpty Dumpty 

Hog killing time; 
Chasing the hog around de pen 

Striking at him now an den ; 
It's a glorious place to spend 

Hog killing time. 

Build a fire under de pot 

Hog killing time, 
Have the water boiling hot. 

Hog killing time ; 
Git yer knife all sharp an keen 

Kase dat hog yer got clean 
Den cut de fat fum de lean 

Hog killing time. 



12. 

Good ole chitling an pork chops 
Hog killing time, 

Make yer lips go flippert}^ flop- 
Hog killing time; 

Breakfast bacon and nice ham 
Cooked in de ole frying pan^ 

De bes eating in de Ian 
Hog killing time. 

Sausages an nice hogshead, 

Hog killing time, 
Wid a hunk ob hot corn bread 

Hog killing time ; 
Liver, spare rib and pigs feet 

Dat kind of living am hard to beat 
And dats de kind ob grub to eat, 

Hog killing time. 

Pig tail an nice crackling bread, 

Hog killing time, 
Bekase de hungry must be fed 

Hog killing time ; 
When yer want to eat a snack 

Go to de smoke house an on de rack, 
Dar you'll see some ole fat back, 

Hog killing time. 

Try de fat up to make lard, 

Hog killing time. 
Put it aside and let it get hard, 

Hog killing time ; 
Take de lard and fry some tripe, 

It beats all de turkey an snipe, 
When you are froo you can smoke yer pipe, 

Hog killing time. 



13- 
HOW I FOOLED DADDY. 



I stole off fum my dad one day 

Kase he wants me to work an nebber play, 
So I jes got my line an hook 

An scampered off down to de brook, 
I could hyar him callin, "Zeke ; 

Well ef dat boy aint got a cheek. 
Running off keepin me waitin; 

Well ef he don beat ole Satan." 



So I put some bait on my hook 

An frew it out in de brook, 
Den I waited a minute or so, 

When under de water my cork did go; 
Den all at once I jerked it out 

An on dat hook was a big trout; 
So I took it off an laid it aside. 

To take it home an hab it fried. 



Den I baited my hook ergin 

An in de brook I frew it in, 
So my line begin to git taut 

An dar was anudder fish I caught ; 
Well he tried to git away. 

But he was on dat hook to stay 
So I pulled it out an bless de Ian, 

Anudder trout big as my han. 



14- 



Den I hurd my daddy callin me 

"Well whar in de worl kin dat boy be ? 

A lazy scamp running off; 

I'll bet he is hidin up in de lof , 

Leabin all dis work fo me ter do; 

He'll know who is boss when I git froo 
Gibbin him sech a lamin he aint had befo; 

He'll nebber hide fum me no mo." 

Fishin am better dan milkin a cow, 

Or driven a hoss hitched ter a plow; 
Pullin fodder or shellin corn, 

Gittin up early in de morn 
Feedin de chickens an de hogs, 

Takin de ax an breakin up logrs; 
Sich hard work I'll always shun 

Roastin ter def in de hot sun. 

But when my daddy saw dem trout 

Yer ought ter seed his tongue stick out: 
'*Well I declar, now, look at dat ! 

Two great big fish all nice and fat. 
Whar did yer ketch dem fishes boy ?" 

An den his heart jes leaped fo joy. 
"Yer say yer kotched em in de brook, 

Cum hyar Samanthy an jes look !" 

Den mammy she cum up an sed, 

"Two nice fresh fish an gills all red, 
Yer aint lazy, am yer son ? 

Jes wait till dem fish git dun; 
Yer shall hab a great big piece, 

All swimming in hot grease." 
Did I enjoy it ? Well I should snicker, 

Twas better dan corn bread an pot licker. 



15. 



So arter we had ate dem fishes fishes, 

An mammy she washed up de dishes, 
Daddy he goes an chop de wood 

An doin eberyfing he could 
To keep de house full ob sunshine, 

While I looked arter my hook an line. 
But ef I hadn't caught dem fish, I know 

I would hab got a floggiu, sho. 



THE KITCHEN MECHANIC. 



You may have your chambermaids and nurses, 
also 
Schoolteachers, stenographers and musicians 
But there is one that I like best and she is all 
right, I know; 
And I know I am not talking on suspicion: 
She bakes the nicest biscuits and makes the nicest 
tea. 
And you just ought to smell them pork chops 
a-frying, 
She is a cook from her heart, and certainly is 
good to me. 
So I'll take the kitchen mechanic for mine. 



i6. 



She works for the aristocrats that have money to 
burn, 
And they buy the best the market affords; 
They pays her a big salary for they know it is 
well earned: 
An-d I don't have to pay nothing for my board. 
She goes down to market and buys fish by the 
bunch, 
And she saves me the largest one on the line; 
If I don't get it for breakfast, I'll get it for lunch 
That's why I like the kitchen mechanic for 
mine. 

Her Boss gave a dinner to the head of the Nation 

And the members of the Cabinet were invited, 
So I had to take Mr. Roosevelt's invitation, 

He responded by saying, "I am delighted." 
And when they brought in the dessert, some 
apple roly boly 

With sauce seasoned with nice sherry wine ; 
When the President tasted it, he just shouted, 
"Holy," 

Give me the kitchen mechanic for mine. 

She goes about her work and never complains 

Like some people you see when they are workin 
But whatever she does she takes the best of pains. 

And from her duty she is never shirkin; 
So, Vv'hen she washes the dishes and washes the 
kitchen flooi. 

And how she makes them pots and kettles 
shine! 
She then sits down to rest after her work is o'er. 

So I'll keep the kitchen mechanic for mine. 



17. 



She went out one evening to cook a special 
dinner 
For some people that came here on a visit, 
And everybod)' at the table says that girl is a 
winner, 
Because everything she cooks is just exquisite. 
So they went in the kitchen to give her the glad 
hand : 
And told her that her cooking was superfine, 
So the bow that she gave them, I tell you it was 
grand 
And I'll stand by the kitchen mechanic for 
mine. 

So one these days I'll make a change which will 
be for the best 
By making you see a wise suggestion, 
Because I have no rival to get in no contest; 

So that is why I am going to pop the question, 
And when she accepts me and says she'll be my 
wife. 
And down the City Hall I'll go a-flying 
To get a piece of paper that'll make us happy 
for life; 
Then the kitchen mechanic will be all mine. 






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i8. 
BAD EPHRIAM. 



Ephriam Johnson, look hyar chile, 

Wha make yer so bad, 
Ef yer don behave yerself 

I am sho gwine tell yer dad. 
When yer knows, Ise sick enuff 

To be right in de bed. 
De way dat yer am carrying on 

Will sholy kill me daid. 



De odder day, I sed ter yer, 

Go chop me up some wood; 
Yer didn't eben move er peg 

But right dar yer stood, 
Until I got behine yer 

Wid my piece ob rawhide 
An gib yer a good flogging 

An den yer nearly flied. 



Yer teacher tole me that yer aint 

Bin to skul fo a week. 
Stan dar like yer deaf an dum 

Ez tho yer can not speak, 
Arter yer dady work all day 

On de ole plantashun 
En try ter sen yer to skul 

To git an eddycashun. 



19. 

So when yergit in company, 

Yer will know how to tawk 
An when yer sot down to yer meals, 

Know how to hole yer fawk. 
But ef yer don study dem lessons, 

An stop dat playing hookey 
Yer will grow up an ignoramus 

Ks shos my name is Sukey. 

Brudder Williams tole me de odder day 

Dat he saw yer coating 
Walkin tween two yaller gals, 

Doing nuthin but spoatin. 
Ef I eber hyar dat ergin, 

Yer know what I am gwine do, 
I'll git my rawhide down ergin 

An cut yer haf in two. 

Now Ise dun froo talkin 

Kase yer knows right fum wrong 
En when I tell yer to do a thing, 

I want yer to move erlong. 
Yer is jes doin dat to pester me 

But I'll take yer down a button hole lower, 
An ef yer don beliebe me boy, 

Jes try me an I'll show yer. 



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20. 



WHAR DE POT AM BILING STRONG- 



Look here uncle Erastus, tell me 

Why in the Kitchen you always stay; 
You come here early in the morning, 

An remain in there all day. 
"Well honey Ise gwine tell yer 

An I don't fink dat Ise wrong; 
De reason dat I like de Kitchen, 

Kase dat am whar de pot biles strong 



"De parlor an de dining room 

Am very good yer see, 
It am good fo some people, 

But tain de place fo me. 
Ise satisfied wid de Kitchen 

Kase dats de place whar I belong; 
An I'll always be contented 

Whar de pot am biling strong.*' 



Uncle Erastus, will you kindly 

Tell me what is in dat pot ? 
"Go long chile don pester me, 

Kant yer smell dem cabbage hot ? 
Yer want me to git my banjo. 

Come in de parlor an sing a song 
But yer am sadly mistaken, 

Kase dat aint whar de pot biles strong. 



21. 



''Oh, uncle, "says Miss lyUcy, 

''Come out and see our new game," 
But he looked at the young lady 

For a while then exclaimed, 
''I aint got no time fo Base Ball, 

Neither Tennis nor Ping Pong, 
But I'll play it in the kitchen 

Whar de pot am biling strong." 

Ebery Cook in de neighborhood 

Calls me their star boarder, 
Bekase I always keep my bread 

An meat choppers in good order; 
*'Git out ob here," said A.unt Chloe, 

Ef yer don 't I '11 burn yer wid dese tongs. " 
I don care, I am not a gwine 

Fum whar de pot am biling strong. 

An when Ise froo on dis earth, 

I'll go up to dat land 
Whar all de angels den will form 

A glorious happy band. 
But you will find me in de kitchen 

Kase dats de place whar I belong, 
An I'll be de Superintendent 

Whar de pot am biling strong. 



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22. 



SINCE CHARLEY'S BIN UP NORF. 



My son, Charley, has bin away 

But now he has returned, 
He mout ez well stayed at home 

Fo nothing up dar he's learned, 
Ceptin putin on lots of airs 

En treatin me wid much scoff. 
He is jes done gotten beside hissef 

Sence Charley's back fum Norf. 



He came home wid a gret big trunk 

Umbrella an suit case ; 
So now he wants to be de boss 

Kn tries ter rule de place. 
But I am gwine ter run dis shack 

Unless my brains git soft 
En let him know he shant rule me, 

Bekase he is bin up Norf. 



I sed ter him be odder day 

"Bring sum water fo decow." 
He looked at me in stonishment 

En sed he did'nt know how. 
He did'nt want ter go an bring 

Sum eggs down fum de lof, 
Bekase he is gotten so prowd 

Sence he is back fum Norf. 



23- 



He is dun fogotten his childhood days 

When he was a little chap, 
Settin down on de bar flo 

Wid a tin plate in his lap, 
But now he mus haf napkin rings, 

Finger bowls, an table clof, 
En all dat sort of foolishness 

Sence Charley's back fum Norf. 

He smokes imported terbacker 

Dat cums in a gold box. 
En now he don't eben want to wear 

His mammy's home made sox. 
But warin pattern leather shoes. 

En clothes made ob broad cloff, 
Silk hat, an a gret big walkin cane 

Sence Charley's back fum Norf. 

He had a gal name Liza Jane 

En she was good an true. 
Now he is dun stuck on a city gal 

En says, that Liza wont do. 
When he was sick she used ter bring 

Him nice hot chicken brof, 
En now he's done gone turned her down 

Sence Charley's back fum Norf. 

After I dun work fum morn till nite, 

Ter keep dat boy in skule; 
He treats me wid no mo respect 

Dan ef I was a mule. 
But one desedays I'll lose my temper, 

En de handle I'll fly off 
En make him fogit all erbout 

Dat he's eber seed up Norf. 



24- 

THE INNOCENT PRISONER 



It was in a crowded court room that I strolled, 
There stood a prisoner at the bar, haggard, old 
and gray; 
And on his face, he wore a look of sorrow and 
despair, 
That looked as though it never had a tender 
mother's care. 
''What is the charge," inquired the judge, as 
stern as could be ; 
"Murder, your honor," replied the clerk, "in 
the first degree." 
"Hold on," replied the prisoner, "don't say 
those words again , 
Because I was not in that place, when that 
man was slain. 
I am a stranger in this town and haven't got one 
friend, 
And if you will permit me, judge, myself I 
must defend. 
I have no money, as you can see, but there is 
one thing I own 
And that is an honest heart, I wouldn't give 
for a throne. 
So now, if )^ou will give me a chance at what I 
have to say 
And I will tell you only the truth, let come 
what may. 
I had a kind and loving mother and a dear father 
also ; 
To find my better parents, you would have to 
search I know. 



25 



I had everything that heart could wish and was 
sent to Sunday School 
And had a lovely teacher who taught me the 

golden rule; 
She was a kind and loving lady and thought 

the world of me 
And I don't believe that there is any as fine 
as she. 
Then I grew to be a young man and my future 
looked bright, 
Which filled my parents' heart with much joy 
and delight. 
Things went on for a while, then something 
strange occured, 
I fell into bad company and from home I was 
lured. 
Then to, the gambling table, my supposed friends 
and I would go. 
Where everything looked inviting and the 
lights were all aglow. 
Then we would spend most of our time in that 
' horrible place. 

Which brought me down to nothing but shame 
and disgrace. 

Then I commenced to drinking and lost all self- 
respect 

Until I became to nothing but a total wreck. 
My parents, they pleaded with me from bad 
company refrain. 
But it had gotten the best of me and their 
pleadings were in vain. 
It grieved ray poor old mother so to see her only 
boy. 

Should lead a life as I was, when I was her 
pride and joy. 



26. 



She lingered on for a while, until finally one 
day, 
The Lord, He sent his messenger down and 
taken her away. 
Then everybody went back on me, my supposed 
friends also, 
Until I was left alone and had no place to go. 
My father said, 'Never again do I want to see 
your face, 
Because you have brought upon me shame 
and disgrace.' 
I said, 'Father forgive me for the wrong I have 
done.' 
But he turned a deaf ear to me and said, 'Never 
be gone.' 
I wandered off for months and around the count- 
ry, I did roam 
But it had no charms for me as my old former 
home. 
I was passing by a church on an Easter Sunday 
morn 
And I dont believe I've heard sweeter music 
since I was born, 
A lady sang a solo entitled, 'Where is my boy 
tonight ?' 
Which brought me back to my childhood, 
when I was young and bright. 
Then from that day, I started to lead a better life 
And by doing so, I was blessed with a dear 
devoted wife. 
And heaven, also, blessed us with a darling lit- 
tle boy, 
Which added to our pleasures and was our 
pride and jo5^ 



27. 



He grew to be a 3^oiing lad until finally one day, 
An angel visited our home and took our child 
away. 
Then grim death came again and visited our 
home, 
And it claimed my dear beloved wife and left 
me all alone. 
So gentlemen, I have told the truth and I sin- 
cerely hope, 
That I will not die the death at the end of a 
rope, 
My time is nearly ended on this earth as you can 
see : 
So please dont punish an innocent man and 
set the guilty free." 
Then as he turned to face the jury, who sat with 
silent breath, 
His work was done, his lips were sealed, bis 
eyes were closed in death. 



THE THANKSGIVING DINNER, 



'Twas at a Thanksgiving dinner 

In de state of Louisiana, 
Gibbin by an aged couple; 

Deacon Snowball an aunt Hannah: 
Eberyfing dat you could menshun; 

It was on dat bill ob fare. 
Good ole chicken wid brown gravy, 

Juicy roast beef nice and rare. 



28. 



Den we had a great big roast pig 

En a double-jointed possum 
Wid an apple in its mouth; 

Byes lookin like an apple blossom. 
Ole aunt Hannah baked de turkey 

An dis am de way she dressed it, 
She fixed dat turkey to perfection 

An it looked like it was double-breasted. 

Den we had some good ole cabbage 

All cooked up with nice fat-back, 
All sprinkled wid salt and pepper 

Made my Hps go smackery smack. 
Den we had some nice fried codfish. . 

Good ole black bass an baked trout 
Seasoned wid parsley an onions 

Wid de gravy oozing out. 

Den we had fur vegetables, 

String beans an black-eyed peas, 
Stewed tomatoes; nice and sweetened 

As de honey fum de bees; 
Den we had some maccaroni, 

Good hot hoe-cake on de griddle 
All ripped open in de back. 

An butter flung right in de middle. 

So den when it came to dessert 

We had ice cream an rice puddin 
Cakes and pies ob all description; 

To refuse it, no I couldn't. 
An we had some nuts an raisins, 

Oranges an fruits ob all kind 
An a jug ob apple brandy, 

Also some blackberrj- wine. 



29. 



When we sembled roiin dat table 

Eberybody in dere places 
lyookin good as anybody 

Wid sweet smiles on our faces, 
So we helped ourselves a plenty 

Kase dar were nuff to go around; 
But an ole man in dat party 

Just as greedy as a hound. 

So he just hollored right out, 

''When am dat meat gwine git karved ? 
I aint got no time fo tawkin 

Kase I am mouty nigh starved." 
Den aunt Susan, she just bellowed, 

"Why man don' be such a glutton 
You dun ate up haf de roast beef 

An want to finish up on de mutton," 

So after we had finished eating, 

Just to please de ole folks. 
We sang an played on de organ 

Also cracked some funny jokes; 
So after it was all over 

Everybody treated right, 

We all joined in and sang, "Home sweet 
home," 

And bade every one good-night. 



10 ■^. 






30. 
UNCLE JOSH 



Uncle Josh he came to town , 

To buy himself a bed, 
He went into a furniture store 

And this is what he said, 
"I want to see one of your beds 

The finest that you've got, 
And if you have one that I like 

I'll buy it on the spot." 

So the clerk a very polite young man, 

Says, "Certainly, follow me, 
And I will show you what we have 

And also guarantee 
That the beds we have in stock, 

They really are the strongest, 
Because they are made of the best material 

And also last the longest. 



''Now here is a beautiful folding bed 

And also up-to-date, 
So I'll advise you to buy this one 

Before it is too late. 
It has a lookiflg glass in front 

And selling ver)^ cheap. 
And time you get into this bed 

You will go right off to sleep . ' ' 



31 



*'Now suppose this bed was to close up 

And in it, I would get caught, 
And another thing, I am afraid. 

It is a little too short." 
Says the clerk, "Why no, I don't think so, 

If you will only see through it, 
Because when you get in this bed, 

Two feet are added to it. 

"Now here is a bed of solid oak 

And one of cherry stain, 
And an iron bed that will stand the test 

As long as the world remains; 
So here is a white enameled bed 

With brass knobs on the end 
And every bed we have in stock 

I can certainly recommend. 

"Now if you will permit me," 

The ambitious young man said, 
"I am sure you will make no mistake - 

By selecting this spring bed." 
"No, I don't want no spring bed. " 

Said uncle Josh with a frown, 
"I want a bed that I can use 

All the whole year around." 



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32. 
THE UNLUCKY SUITOR. 



I wonder if there are other beaux 

As unlucky as I. 
I can't get a girl to save my life, 

No matter how hard I try; 
I fell in love with a damsel 

The sweetest girl in town 
And I thought I had her dead for sure 

Until she turned me down. 



So then I started out again 

To see what I could do, 
I called on a young lady 

That I had in view, 
But she got stuck on a young man 

Because he was a soldier, 
And when I paid her another call, 

She gave me the cold shoulder. 

So a chum of mine carried me around 

To meet his sweetheart's friend; 
Of course I was tickled most to death 

Thinking my troubles were at an end. 
So when he introduced us, 

I bowed so sweet and cute, 
She says, "I am pleased to meet you 

But I am sorry you don't suit." 



33- 

But I didn't give up in despair 

On this sweetheart hunt. 
I called on a young lady 

By the name of Miss Blount ; 
And then I popped the question, 

Thinking she was the real thing 
Until she said, "My suitor must 

Give me an engagement ring." 

Says I, "Look here young lady. 

That's too much taffy for a cent 
You should be satisfied with a husband 

That is willing to pay the rent. 
Then have to buy the marketing 

And look after the fuel, 
So I might as well tell you now 

I think you awful cruel." 

So young men take my advice, 

Don't live beyond your means, 
If you can't afford to buy turkey. 

Why live on pork and beans ; 
And don't marry an extravagant woman 

But just leave her alone : 
For if you don't she will keep your nose 

Right at the grinding stone. 

So then I met another lady 
And with me she was smitten, 

I always found her industrious 
Either sewing or knitting ; 

So I congratulated my self 

And said, "She is mine I know :" 

Until her father said, he thought she was 
Too young to have a beau. 



34- 



**Well," said I, "I guess I had better go, 

I am sorry that we must part : ' ' 
Says she, "My darling, please don't go 

Because you are the light of my heart." 
That was more than the old man could stand, 

And before I was aware 
He hollered, "Mary, you put out that light 

And come right straight upstairs." 



LUCINDIA. 



Ise dun got myself a wife 

And I am de happiest man in town 
Kase I cut de odder fellows out 

And married Lucindia Browm. 
She had lots of admirers, 

But I put dem up de spout; 
She called me her dear shining light 

And blew de odders out. 

Now I'll tell yer de easiest way 

Ef yer want to win a bride, 
De fust thing is fo you to do 

Git de ole folks on yer side; 
Kase de}' can do a lot fo yer 

To help to git a wife. 
Kase dey did it fo me yer see. 

Now I'll be happy fur life. 



35- 



When we came out on de street, 

Gee but didn't dem boys git jealous ? 
I could see dem on de sly 

Swelling out like a bellows. 
So one fellow came to me and said, 

"I challenge yer fo a duel 
Bekase yer stole my gal fum me, 

Which I think was awful cruel." 

I said, " I got something else to do 

Besides going round fighting, 
But ef yer git my blood a biling, 

I'll whip yer quickern lightning." 
So he dropped his head and walked away 

And not another word he muttered, 
Bekase I told him he had better find out 

What side his bread was buttered. 

Den my wife came up to me and said, 

"Yer is as brave as yer can be, 
Dats de kind ob husband I want. 

Who is willing to protect me. 
Yer stood yer ground without a flinch, 

Wid lots ob grit an sand, 
An I aiu shame to tell yer, 

Dats what I call a man." 

Now^ you know dat made me feel good 

An jes gotten married too, 
So I sed to her, "You are my wife. 

And I'll stick to yer like glue. 
I tole yer parents I'd protect yer, 

Assho as my name is Thomas; 
So you can go an tell the world 

That I shall keep my promise." 



36. 
FAMILY COMPLAINTS. 



Well uncle, how are yon today? 

Thankee boss, jes niiddlin. 
Why, you are looking so happy and gay, 

As though 5^ou have been fiddling. 
Well, boss, I tell yer, I jes tuk 

My ole fiddle down jes fo luck 
An tried to play dat Mobile Buck, 

But no, I didn't. 

Well, how are you today, auntChloe ? 

Well Doctah Ise mouty poley. 
You don't mean it, is that so ? 

I mean dat thing sholy. 
Yer see Ise got a tech ob grip 

An a fever blister on my lip 
An a pain around my hip. 

But, thank God, Ise holy. 

Well uncle Zeb, how are you tonight ? 

Oh, Doctah Ise mouty sick. 
Why your eyes are clear and your pulse all 
right, 

And looking better than you were last 
week. 
Well, Doctah, I'll tell yer how it is, 

Ise got a case of rheumatiz 
An I can't hear fum my dear Liz, 

But I'll not kick. 



37- 



Well, aunt Dinah, how are you? 

Oh, Doctah, Ise got an awful pain. 
I was in hope that you would be better 

When I called again. 
Well Ise got a miser^^ in my side 

And I thought last nite I would have 
died, 
But ob course, I am satisfied, 

So I'll not complain. 

Well uncle Remus, how are you this time ? 

Oh Doctah, I aint feeling spry. 
Why you look juSt like the picture of health. 

And I really don't see why. 
Well Ise got an abcess in my toof 

An I don feel well as I did in youth, 
So now, Ise dun tole you de trufe 

But I'll not cry. 

Well aunt Betsy how do you feel ? 

Oh, Doctah, I feel mouty blue, 
Why, I dont see how that can be. 

What can be the matter with you ? 
Well, Ise got a pain around my liver. 

Had a chill las nitedat made me shiver 
But I felt better arter I got under de kiver, 

But I'll pull froo. 



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38. 
WHAT CAME TO MY MIND. 



One day while on a river bank, 

And sitting on a log 
And looking at the tadpoles. 

How they turned to a frog, 
So this thought came into my mind, 

As I looked with a sigh, 
I went and got some buckwheat cakes 

And made the butterfly. 



A little boy hungry, one day. 

Wanted something to eat. 
His mother sent him out to see 

If the butcher had pig feet. 
So when he brought her the answer 

It was surprising news, 
•*I really could not tell, because 

The butcher had on shoes. ' ' 



A physician in our town 

By the name of Bell, 
Went in the country to visit, 

And was drowned in a well. 
So the coroner held the inquest 

And felt his collar bone, 
Said he should have attended the sick 

And left the well alone. 



39' 



While visiting in the country 

On my summer vacation, 
And having a glorious time, 

On the old plantation ; 
A milkmaid one day milked a cow 

To have the milk for lunch, 
All at once the cow kicked the maid 

And gave her a milk punch. 

A tramp went to a lady's house 

And asked her for a dime, 
Says she, *'Why look here, I believe 

You loaf half of the time." 
So the tramp says, "Of course 'tis true, 

What I ask for is rather small. 
But don't you know a half a loaf 

Is better than no loaf at all ?" 

A party went out in a boat 

For a nice quiet sail, 
All at once the boat capsized 

In an awful stormy gale. 
Some of them said, "Throw me a rope,' 

Some grabbing at a straw, 
But I got me a bar of soap 

And washed myself ashore. 



THE VEGETABLE CONVENTION 



The vegetables held a convention 
Every one was represented. 

The Onion was the strongest, 
Because you see it was scented. 



40. 

The Potato played an important part. 

Which was not a surprise ; 
It could see what was going on 

Because it had its eyes. 

The Corn was very conspicious 
And was the only one could hear. 

The reason was because you see 
It brought with it its ear. 

The Pea was the only delegate 
That played such a high card ; 

It was the only one had company 
Because it brought its pard. 

The lettuce tried to make a speech 
But it was a little too green, 

So it had to take its seat by saying,. 
"Treat me like a human bean." 

The asparagus was there also 

All tied up in a knot, 
It made an insinuating remark 

Which made the pepper red hot. 

The squash was there with its colors 
And made one member sweet, 

By sa5dT]g to that delegate, 

"You are nothing but a dead beet. 



41. 



The Cucumber and turnip 

The tomato and the kale 
Said any one that made such a remark 

Ought to be sent to jail. 

So the cabbage sat there looking meek, 

And not one word it said, 
So it wise by keeping mum 

And it came out ahead. 

So when the meeting was all over, 

They stood there in a group. 
The parsley said, "Good-bye Mr. Carrot, 

I'U meet you in the soup." 



PICKING ON A BIG HAM BONE. 



Some people crave for music 

And always want to sing, 
But I don't like it not one bit 

Not if I were a king. 
I can not sing contralto. 

Tenor, bass, nor baritone, 
But I can entertain anybody 

Picking on a big ham bone. 



42. 

I went to the Theatre one night 

To see the people act, 
I did not like the show one bit 

And wanted my money back. 
One man sang "Bab5^'s lullaby," 

And he was overgrown, 
Why I could beat him ten to one 

Picking on a big ham bone. 

I was invited to a party 

Given by some friends of mine. 
They had everything that heart could wish 

And looking sweet and fine. 
Then they requested me to sing, 

'*My old Kentucky home," 
I said I might sing it if I were 

Picking on a big ham bone. 

Some people they like chicken. 

And some like turkey and duck. 
And some, you see, likes a roast pig 

And ail that sort of truck. 
But I will tell you what I like, 

Just give me a hot corn pone 
And I will be there with the goods 

Picking on a big ham bone. 

I attended a camp meeting 

To hear the old folks sing, 
The music that they sang that day 

Through the air it did ring; 
Then some one knelt down and prayed 

Until it made me groan 
Because I couldn't entertain them 

Picking on a big habm one. 



43- 

I went into a truck field 

To see the farmer's crops. 
Strawberries and black-eyed peas 

Were just as thick as hops. 
So the farmer says, pick some berries, 

But I says, leave me alone 
Because I am going away and 

Pick on my big ham bone. 

Some people plays the organ 

And some the mandolin, 
Some also pick the guitar 

And beat the tambourine; 
I can not pick the banjo. 

Nor play the xylophone 
But I won a medal one day 

Picking on a big ham bone. 

And when my work on earth is done, 

And I shall close my eyes, 
I'll be up in that land above 

To the mansion in the skies. 
And when old Gabriel's trumpet blows 

When we meet around the throne, 
Then I will join in the chorus 

By picking on my big ham bone. 







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44- 



HOW I WON SUSANNA. 



Talk about your sweethearts 

Ise got one hard to beat, 
Her name, Susanna Flapjack 

And looks good ernuff to eat. 
She is got dis coal black hair 

And sholy am good lookin 
She went down town de odder day 

An had he picture tookin. 



I'll tell yer how I won her 

It was just like dis: 
We were playing ring around de rosy 

An gibbin all er kiss. 
Good lawd er mussey, when my mouf 

Pressed ginst dem ruby lips 
It tickled me all ober, 

Bz I caught dem honey drips. 



So I scoted her home dat evening 

An was just on de verge 
To ax her to become my wife, 

But couldn't pluck de courage. 
So I went to a friend of mine 

Dat had been dar befo. 
An axed him, please to help me out, 

Sa)^s he, "Why to besho." 



Ll- U ^ 



45 



So yer want to marry my daughter, 

But permit me say, 
I'd like to know ef you have anything 

Saved up fo a rainy day ? 
Says I, why yes indeed, I have, 

As we puffed on our cheroots : . 
I have an umbrella and a makintosh 

And a pair of rubber boots. 






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